No isn’t a dirty word
Learn to say no so you can say yes
As women we often become the proverbial Sherpas of our households and workplace. We can’t seem to say no and our life load gets heavier and heavier. Even in senior management positions, women are often expected to take on just a little more (or sometimes a lot more) work than their male counterparts.
Learning to say no with confidence is life-changing. I’ve learned how to say no and while it can be hard at first, my life has become more satisfying because I now understand what is important to me and where I want to spend my time and energy. Saying no doesn’t equate to selfishness, uncertainty, or a lack of confidence. Understanding what you need and why enables you to say no so you can say yes to what really matters to you.
Figuring out and defining your personal values is a key step in learning to say no. Your personal (and even your professional values) can be touchstones for you as you evaluate if saying no is the right action. Values can be a loaded word for some. I guide my clients in finding their top three values and they write their own definitions for each value. Using this method, a client is tightly connected to what and why their values matter.
Saying yes all the time doesn’t serve you well. It’s not healthy. Yes to extra work projects, yes to mentoring another employee, yes to another volunteer job, yes to attending a social event, yes to tasks that equate to anxiety, feeling burned out and overwhelmed. Was there a time when you said yes to a request when you knew in your gut you should have said no? We all have at least one instance of this happening. How did that turn out? How were you affected? What emotions did you feel?
What if you had said no? What if you just said “No, thanks. I’m not available.” Or “No, I don’t have any more bandwidth.” I realize that in certain circumstances in your job or life when you cannot say no. I’m not advocating for you to be insubordinate in your workplace or neglect necessary tasks in your daily life. I am advocating for you to be able to turn a critical eye on how you spend your time and energy and use your voice.
You need to be honest with yourself. Take stock of where you are emotionally and physically.
Realize your strengths and weaknesses. Shift your mindset that saying no helps you, your family, and opens up the possibility for you to say yes to an opportunity that aligns with your values, your time and your energy.
It is also important to be honest with those in your life. Setting and communicating clear expectations about why, how and when you say no is a huge step in becoming comfortable and confident with saying no.
A few tips to get you started from @positivepsychology_com
- Postpone to a less busy time. e.g. say “not now, but perhaps another time.”
- Practice saying “no” in writing. e.g. say “no” through email or text rather than in person.
- Offer an alternative. e.g. I’ll ask my friend/colleague who might be in a better place to help with this.
It took me years to learn how to say no and in the beginning it felt clunky. I probably wasn’t very graceful in how I approached it and I remember feeling guilty and yet so relieved when I actually said no. So give yourself some grace and space. It takes practice! And when you do say no, take note of how you feel and the positive and negative (if any) impacts. Hopefully, feelings of anxiety and burn-out will recede. And, those opportunities you want to say yes to will appear and you will be ready for them!